Occasionally, I am asked to paint stuff that I really do not want to paint (I leave that to your imagination). No, I will not paint satanic symbols, revolutionary insignia, or large red and black swastikas on your garage door. I sculpted a statue of Billy the Kid, and a rancher out in New Mexico sent me hate mail. He thought I had glorified a 19th century bandit. I told him I appreciated him exercising his consitutional mind about the matter, and that he had every right to exercise his First Amendment Right.. In my own defense I insisted I had that same right. I guess that made him mad. He then suggested we compromise and erect jail house type iron bars around the statue. I told him I didn’t work in iron or metal and that was the end of that.
I love the freedom of expression that we have, thanks to our constitution. But I also believe in being responsible and sensible. Although our Constitution grants me the right, I am not bursting with enthusiasm to conduct such exercises as: applying mustard, mayonnaise, or any other pasty type condiments to canvas, which I could find inside my kitchen pantry. I have, however, thought of applying canvas on top of paint (please do not steal this idea).
So here is my 100% satisfaction guarantee. Most of the stuff in my collection of cool, feel good artwork, while intended to be such in nature, could actually cause the occasional precariously balanced individual to be overcome with positive or happy emotions. If that happens, please notify me, but first take photos and send them to me to add to the hundreds I already have.
If for any reason you are unhappy with my paintings, or if you just don't feel that they are fun enough, you are entitled to a full refund of your money. Just call me at 1800-Im2Serious, tell the operator that you are disappointed cause this stuff isn't cool enough, and she'll take care of it from there.
Also, since I want to be a responsible citizen (and keep lawyers at bay), you will notice that I offer no nude or offensive art to assist some people in their viewing pleasure (no, not all artists paint nudes). If you want a portrait done of your pet poodle Penelope, I'm you're guy. But, if you feel you've got to have a nude portrait of your better half, go to Google, and type in the words "Wanted: Artist whose work could cause him to have to sleep in the shed."
